This topic, one that has touched many hearts, remains the second most-read issue I’ve covered over the past twelve years. 

I’m not a professional counselor or an expert on abusive relationships. Rather, I’m a survivor—a woman who, after years of relational toil, prayer, counseling, Bible study, and research, is now able to pass on lessons learned the hard way. Later in this post, I link to Leslie Vernick, a godly professional who I wish had been available when I was in the trenches with my abusive husband—an angry, controlling pastor who, as his psychiatrist told me, was a pedophile, suffering from mental illness and a personality disorder. 

(*Disclaimer: Mental illness does not make someone an abuser, pedophile, or criminal, nor does it automatically mean they have a personality disorder. Many individuals with mental illness lead normal, productive lives with the help of therapy, dietary changes, and/or medications.) 

Do You Have Biblical Permission to Leave a Toxic Spouse? 

Maybe you’ve tried it all: love unconditionally, forgive over and over, stay true to your vows, protect your children, pray for healing, and wait patiently for things to improve. You’ve believed that with God on your side, you can endure anything. But what happens when you’re the only one trying to make the marriage work? 

Have you sought counseling, done the work, prayed, and yet your spouse refuses to take part in any real change? 

Have you tried interventions or offered therapeutic separation, only to meet resistance or minimal effort on their part? 

Are you exhausted and worn down from carrying the weight of the relationship by yourself? 

Do you understand that there is nothing you can add to the relationship to change the destructive abuser. There is never an excuse for abuse and it’s never your fault. 

If you’re in this situation, it’s time to pause and shift the strategy. Are you concerned for your safety? 

If you’ve tried everything and your loved one’s actions are threatening your well-being or the safety of your children, I want to speak to you in the gentlest, most loving voice I can muster: God does not expect you to live in this kind of pain. You are not called to endure abuse, physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, spiritual, financial, reproductive, or all of these. 

Imagine we’re face-to-face, tears on both our faces, and I tell you, “God does not want you to live under these conditions.” His love for you is unconditional, and He desires freedom for you, not captivity. He has provided a way out. 

Why Victims Stay—And Why It’s Not Their Fault 

There are many reasons why victims of abuse might choose to stay in a toxic marriage. If you find yourself in this position, I want to offer you understanding, compassion, and grace. 

Financial Dependency: Many women (and men) feel trapped in abusive relationships because they are financially dependent on their spouse. Without an income, they feel that leaving would mean facing homelessness or extreme hardship, even if the marriage is killing them emotionally and spiritually. God sees your struggle and knows your needs. He will provide, and sometimes that provision starts with taking that first step toward safety. I offer no false hope, it may be a difficult road. 

Protecting the Children: Another heartbreaking reason victims stay is the fear of what will happen to their children if they leave. In many cases, abusive spouses are awarded unsupervised visitation, and the protective parent believes that the children will be unsafe.   

Trauma Bonding: When you’ve endured abuse, you can become what some professionals refer to as being trauma-bonded to your abuser through the tactics used to maintain control of you. This is no fault of your own. This is where the victim develops a bond with the abuser, even though the relationship is toxic and damaging. None of us entered marriage believing we were going to be abused. We entered marriage because we loved and trusted the other person. Some of us were left shocked yet hopeful that the abuser would seek help and healing but rarely, if ever, does help and healing happen. The abuse creates a cycle of highs and lows, where the victim holds onto the hope that the good moments will return. Healing and breaking this bond takes time, but you are not alone in this journey. 

Fear of Judgment: Many victims stay because they fear the judgment of others—especially in Christian communities. There’s often a pressure to make the marriage work at all costs, and leaving feels like a failure. But God’s heart is not one of condemnation. He sees your pain and does not look down on you for choosing a path of safety and healing. 

Hope for Change: Some stay because they genuinely believe that their spouse will change, that their love, prayers, and sacrifices will make a difference. While hope is a beautiful thing, you cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change. God can change hearts, but He will never force someone to accept His healing and restoration. 

Why Divorce May Be the Biblical Option 

I grew up believing that divorce was wrong—period. Christians were meant to “work it out.” It took years of personal struggle, counsel, Bible study, and prayer to realize that, in some cases, divorce may be the right path. 

Your spouse may have already broken the marriage covenant through abuse, abandonment, infidelity, or neglect. If your spouse has abandoned the vows they made on your wedding day, it is not sinful to seek divorce. God gave us divorce as a tool for situations like this—when one party has forsaken their vows and caused immeasurable harm. You are simply acknowledging in a court of law what has already happened spiritually. 

Scripture is clear that God hates divorce because of the pain and brokenness it causes when a man unjustly abandons his wife. Anyone who abuses their spouse has in one way or another abandoned their spouse. It’s safe to say that God hates abuse too. He desires for you to live in peace, safety, and freedom—not under the oppression of abandonment in an abusive marriage. 

Biblical Grounds for Divorce 

While Scripture speaks of divorce in the context of adultery and abandonment (Matthew 19:9), there is also an understanding of abandonment in the case of emotional neglect, isolation, and abuse. Abuse is abandonment of the marriage vows in the most profound way. 

When someone abuses their spouse, they violate their marriage vows. Abuse is a form of abandonment that goes far beyond the physical act; it damages the emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being of the victim. And when a spouse abandons their vows, they have already broken the covenant. Divorce, then, is an acknowledgment of that brokenness. 

God’s Heart for You 

I know you’re hurting, and I know it feels like no one understands. But please hear this with the full depth of compassion: God came to set you free. He came to heal the brokenhearted and bind up the wounds that abuse has caused. He does not desire for you to live in fear or in torment. 

Freedom is found in Jesus. Boundaries are necessary. Safety is essential. And yes, healing is possible. Scars may remain, but the oil of joy can replace mourning. I pray that in time, you will experience the fullness of His peace and healing. 

Take Action—And Find Your Freedom 

If you’re in an abusive situation, I encourage you to take action now. Safety is the top priority. Call a counselor or reach out to a domestic violence support group. You do not have to suffer in silence. There are people who can help you. And remember—God is with you in this journey. 

If you question your safety, I recommend the Mosaic Threat Assessment Test. The Mosaic Method helps the assessor weigh the present situation in light of expert opinion and research, and instantly compare the present situation to past cases where the outcomes are known.

Please Know

You are not alone, and you do not have to stay in a toxic marriage for the sake of “keeping the family together.” The family can be rebuilt on the foundation of safety, truth, and love. 

Freedom in Christ is Yours. Please don’t wait for someone else to give it to you. It’s already been bought and paid for. On top of this, consider that God cares more for you than He does for the institution of your marriage. You are eternal. Your marriage is not. “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like angels in heaven.” Matthew 22:30

Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying God doesn’t care about marriage; he does! But He also provides a way out when you are being sinned against by unfaithfulness or abuse. (See more applicable scriptures below).

God does not want you to stay in this pain. You can learn to live freely and fully in His love, grace, and protection. 

You can find more support at Leslie Vernick’s website, where she offers biblical wisdom and resources for those walking through toxic relationships. She is also on Facebook under Leslie Vernick – Enriching Relationships That Matter Most.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, I urge you to reach out for help. You are worth it. Your children are worth it. God sees you. He loves you. And He is there, walking with you as you take steps toward freedom. 

Applicable Scripture

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.” Ephesians 5: 25-29

“The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.” I Peter 3:7

“But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.” I Corinthians 5:11

“Do not speak to fools, for they will scorn your prudent words.” Proverbs 23:9

“As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” Proverbs 26:11

“Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both.” Proverbs 27:3

“Though you grind a fool in a mortar, grinding them like grain with a pestle, you will not remove their folly from them.” Proverbs 27:22

“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:6

 “Look out for the dogs, look out for the evildoers, look out for those who mutilate the flesh.” Philippians 3:2 

“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

“Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.” Titus 3:10

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18: 15-17

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” Ephesians 5:11

“Stay away from a fool, for you will not find knowledge on their lips.” Proverbs 14:7

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.  Isaiah 61:1-3