We Don’t Get to Call It Shepherding 

We don’t get to call ourselves shepherds if we hand the wolf a mic or a leadership position and ignore the trail of shredded fleece behind them. 

For those who think they know a leader better than anyone else, allow me to remind you: I was married to a pedophilic offender and had no idea. I thought I knew him better than anyone. I didn’t. Once I found out, I didn’t cover for him. 

I’ve spent over thirty years in ministry and church life. In that time, I’ve watched churches spin abuse, cover it up, or—worst of all—send the predator packing with a glowing letter of recommendation. I’ve seen parents kept in the dark. Victims ghosted. Women and children silenced. Abused women harassed by church members who chose to believe the abuser. Time and again, reputation was prioritized over repentance. 

Why? Because genuine soul care is messy. Because truth can offend donors. Because “just a handful of sheep” didn’t seem worth the PR nightmare. 

But Jesus thought differently. 

The One Was Worth It 

In Matthew 18, Jesus tells a story about one lost sheep. Not a celebrity sheep. Not a financially contributing sheep. Not a “yes-man” sheep. Just a lamb. And He says that one is worth leaving the ninety-nine. Worth risking it all. Worth looking like a bad shepherd to go find it. 

Abuse in the Church is uncomfortable. It should be. It’s jarring to realize that predators don’t avoid churches because they’re holy. They target them because they’re trusting. 

In Recognizing Red Flags Part 2, we discussed how Jesus didn’t tolerate corruption dressed in holiness. He confronted it. And if He set the precedent for calling out spiritual exploitation, we, too, are called to discern when something in the house of God no longer honors Him.

So What Do We Do? 

We listen. We believe. We act. We stop pretending that cover-ups somehow protect Christ’s name. 

God isn’t asking for damage control. He’s asking for justice, mercy, and humility (Micah 6:8). 

Reconciliation might not be possible. But forgiveness is. And healing? That begins where honesty is welcome and wolves are not. 

If you’re like some brave sheep who’ve gone before you, your instinct might be to walk away with boundaries intact instead of continuing to accommodate abuse or disrespect. That’s not weakness. It’s wisdom wrapped in courage. You may feel weary now, but your soul will heal. Joy can live here again. Peace has not forgotten you. 

And if you’re still in the thick of it, barely holding your breath while you figure out your next step, you’re not alone. You don’t have to sprint toward healing. Just take the next faithful step. The Shepherd sees you. He leaves the ninety-nine for the one and is never ashamed to find you. 

How to Spot a Toxic Church—and What to Do About It 

“How do I know if my church is toxic?” It’s a fair question. One I’ve been asked more times than I can count. 

In Recognizing Red Flags Part 1, I shared red flags that shine a light on dysfunction hiding behind spiritual language and polished leadership. But even with the list in hand, people ask: When do I know it’s time to leave? How do I find a new church? 

Let me start here: if you’re asking the question, you may already be sensing the answer. 

Discernment Requires a Plan 

If your church checks off multiple items from the “Unhealthy Church” list, I encourage you to pray about where God wants you or your family to worship next. 

Before choosing a new church, make a practical plan. Use live streams, websites, and apps to vet churches from the comfort of your couch. Look for doctrinal clarity, a statement of faith, and how they speak (or don’t speak) about Biblical issues, trauma, accountability, and leadership. If something feels off, don’t dismiss it; instead, pay attention to it. Take notes. Ask questions. 

When a church makes the shortlist, attend in person for 4–6 weeks. Don’t hop around. Stay, observe, and see how they engage real people, not just how they perform onstage. Attend a class or newcomers’ dinner. Ask what happens during conflict. Who holds leaders accountable? What’s the process for reporting harm? Do they have safeguards for the vulnerable? (A yearly insurance audit does not identify predators or minister to victims. It protects the church’s assets). Is the church involved in serving their community and supporting mission work? 

Make a list of things that are important to you and your family. Pay attention to their tone, not just their answers.  

This is not over-spiritualized caution, nor is it paranoia. It’s wisdom. 

The Emotional Weight of Leaving 

Leaving is hard. Especially when you’ve spent years, maybe decades, invested there. 

Your friends are there. Your kids grew up there. You imagined weddings and funerals in that sanctuary. 

It’s tender. It’s valid. 

You don’t owe anyone your silence when your spirit says, “This isn’t right.” 

And I get it. I stayed too long in some churches. One of my deepest regrets is getting pulled into an internal investigation where I unknowingly helped cover for secret decisions made by a leader. I was told it would protect someone’s job and prevent a church split.  

That leader still lies to cover their tracks. That’s between them and God. But I know what it did to the victims, the church, to families, and the Kingdom. I wish I had stuck to my “No,” the first, second, and third times. I wish I had immediately notified the elder board of the church. I wish I had walked away sooner. I wish I had trusted the check in my spirit instead of the loyalty to, and manipulation by, a trusted friend to “help manage” behind the scenes. 

Please, friend. Avoid that heartache. These are hard lessons. But I share them not to dwell in regret, but to say: if you’re in a situation where something feels off, pay attention. 

We aren’t called to protect institutions. We’re called to seek His kingdom first. “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33). 

If you’re staying out of sentiment but your spirit is sick, the cost is too high. 

Jesus didn’t model narcissism or elitism. He knelt to wash feet. He welcomed the least. He rebuked the powerful and protected the vulnerable. 

If your church doesn’t reflect the heart of Christ, don’t ignore the check in your spirit. That check might be the Holy Spirit saying, “This isn’t who I am.” 

If any of this hits a nerve, I see you. You’re not too sensitive. And you are definitely not alone. 

Shepherds, Not CEOs 

Scripture doesn’t call us to protect organizations. It calls us to shepherd people. 

Ezekiel 34 offers a sharp rebuke: 

“Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves!… You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally.” (Ezekiel 34:2–4) 

That isn’t just a historical indictment. It’s a present-day warning. 

Jesus, our Good Shepherd, didn’t abandon the sheep when wolves came. He laid down His life for them. 

“The hired hand is not the shepherd… so when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away… because he cares nothing for the sheep.” (John 10:11–13) 

If your leaders flee from hard conversations and accountability, they may be hired hands—not shepherds. 

Final Thoughts 

Leaving a toxic church is hard. But staying in one can crush your spirit and distort your understanding of God.  

You were made for more than enduring spiritual manipulation. You were made for joy, truth, community, and freedom. 

Ask questions. Discern wisely. Don’t apologize for walking toward health. 

Jesus doesn’t just love the Church. He loves you. He came not just for the many but also for the one. 

I love Jesus. I love His people. I still believe the Church is a gift the Lord gave us. But love doesn’t mean pretending it’s perfect. The most loving thing we can do is protect the vulnerable, speak the truth, and hold leaders accountable to the standard they preach.   

Over the years, I’ve learned to be wiser about where I worship. I no longer stay out of guilt, obligation, or pressure to submit to dysfunction. I’ve stopped confusing silence with honor. And I’ve learned our questions don’t threaten God. He often leads us through them. 

Toxic churches don’t begin in chaos. They start with minor compromises. Over time, those become patterns. And those patterns can crush the very sheep they were meant to protect. 

Help for the Weary

If you are looking for solid teaching on not becoming an impostor, but aren’t quite ready to walk back into a church, here is an option for you to consider:

BECOMING WHO WE ARE: Losing the Imposter, Finding What’s Real

This is a FREE online teaching series offered by Living Proof Ministries with Beth Moore. This is solely a teaching series. There will be NO homework written for this series. A new video will go live at 9 am each Monday in June 2025. After that time, the videos will continue to be available in case you want to start the series at a later date. Sign up for weekly video reminders and to receive a downloadable user guide.

The Crossing campuses in St. Louis have viewership from around the country and all over the world. Check out their on-demand Sunday services, live or recorded, or look for other online options.

Provide your email here to receive a PDF of “Questions to Ask When Searching for a New Church Home.“

I’d be honored to hear from you

If you’ve seen a red flag, walked through church hurt, or have a story to share, please scroll to the bottom of this article, just below the social media icons, and click “Leave a Comment.” Your voice matters here. You’re not alone, and your story could be the light someone else needs.