The Two Faces of an Abuser: When “Nice” Meets Controlling 

If you’ve ever lived with an angry, controlling partner, or an indifferent partner, you know it feels less like a marriage and more like an emotional roller coaster—the kind that doesn’t come with a safety harness. It might start out smooth: charming smiles, playful laughter, the illusion of stability. But then comes the drop. 

One minute you’re enjoying the breeze; the next you’re upside down in a dark tunnel, wondering how you got here and if this ride will ever end. 

For those who love actual roller coasters, this analogy breaks down fast—because the emotional ride isn’t thrilling. It’s terrifying. It’s exhausting. And unlike a two-minute amusement park drop, this ride loops on repeat, often for years. You find yourself sick to your stomach all too often.

The Cycle of Abuse (a.k.a. Why You Feel Crazy) 

Living with an abuser means living with contradiction. They can be warm one moment, withholding the next. You’ll wonder: Did I do something wrong? Or did the ground just shift again? 

Psychologist Lenore E. Walker coined the term Cycle of Abuse to describe these repeated phases: 

1. Honeymoon Phase: They’re nice. Charming. Attentive. You exhale a little. 

2. Tension Building: Something sets them off—or nothing does. You feel the air tighten. You walk on eggshells. 

3. Explosion: Anger erupts. Maybe it’s verbal attacks, controlling behaviors, or physical abuse. Love turns to punishment in seconds. 

4. Silent Treatment/Blame Shifting: They shut down, deny wrongdoing, and blame you for their behavior. 

Then? Back to nice. The cycle begins again. 

Experts say it takes victims an average of seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Seven. That’s not weakness—it’s the power of the cycle at work, grooming victims to hope for the “nice” version and doubt their perception of the “destructive” one. 

Here’s another layer that keeps your head spinning: many abusers openly criticize other abusers. They’ll talk about how awful “those men” are, how “they should be dealt with,” and insist they could never treat a woman that way. It’s part of the smoke and mirrors—positioning themselves as the safe, moral one while hiding their own destructive behavior. That contrast can leave you questioning your reality even more: If he’s against abuse, how can he be abusive?

Why the Nice Version Isn’t the Real Version 

Abusers often convince victims that the kind side is “who they really are,” and that any conflict is the victim’s fault. This isn’t just manipulative; it’s gaslighting. They create a warped reality where: 

• Their cruelty is “just a bad day.” 

• Their kindness is proof you should stay. 

• Your resistance is the real problem. 

This deception is especially dangerous in faith communities. Abusers can be ministry leaders, worship singers, even pastors. As Dr. Diane Langberg warns: 

“Those who are labeled as brilliant/godly/successful are accorded power simply by virtue of their reputation. We assume such powers indicate character. They do not.” ~Diane Langberg, PhD

The Spiritual Component 

Scripture doesn’t sugarcoat foolishness or abuse of power: 

• “Do not speak to fools, for they will scorn your prudent words.” (Proverbs 23:9) 

• “As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” (Proverbs 26:11) 

• “Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both.” (Proverbs 27:3) 

Harsh? Maybe. Accurate? Absolutely. Abuse isn’t cured by charm or empty prayers—it requires deep repentance, accountability, and professional intervention. Without humility, there’s no healing. 

A Reality Check (and Lifeline) 

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in four women will experience severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime. One in three female homicide victims are killed by a current or former partner. Abuse isn’t rare. It’s rampant—and silence keeps it alive. 

If you’re exhausted, confused, or second-guessing yourself, hear this: 

• You’re not crazy. 

• You’re not to blame. 

• You deserve safety, truth, and peace. 

If you’re unsure about your safety, consider taking a threat assessment (like the Mosaic Threat Assessment ) or calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1‑800‑799‑SAFE (7233). 

Be Wise: What Real Love Looks Like 

Be wise. Require love to be shown through repeated action. Only trust when you’ve seen long‑standing proof. Believe the apology only when there’s ongoing changed behavior. Until then, consider their words, actions, and charming smile as nothing more than acting—an attempt to pull the wool over your eyes. 

The truth is, abusers avoid the challenge of maturity and accountability. Don’t believe counselors or clergy who tell you that you can “be a good wife” to a prideful, destructive husband. We cannot love a hardened, hurting heart into wholeness. Taking such bad advice will drain your mental, emotional, and physical health. It won’t lead to a good relationship—only a quieter one because you’ve learned to enable the bad behavior. 

A woman cannot turn a bad marriage into a good one through her effort alone. Healthy marriages require two people showing up with equal time, attention, validation, affection, and service. Marriage is not one‑sided. If one partner isn’t willing to consider your feelings and needs and grow in maturity, the marriage covenant is already being forsaken. 

Healthy marriages feel safe—because they are safe. Don’t misunderstand: all marriages face hard seasons. We stay even when we don’t feel love, because love is commitment in action. But there’s a difference between weathering tough patches and enduring chaos. 

You shouldn’t dread what mood he’ll be in when he comes home from work. You shouldn’t feel crushed when he walks through the door. You shouldn’t live on eggshells, second‑guessing his reaction to your every comment or question. 

If you charted your marriage, you should see growth—not constant chaos. Don’t cover for the abuser’s deceit. Don’t pretend he’s kind and caring with others if he’s cruel to you behind closed doors. His personality should not suck the life and creativity out of you. You shouldn’t have to beg for attention, affection, help, or protection. 

You deserve mutual safety, goodness, peace, honesty, fidelity, fun, encouragement, affirmation, and value. If you aren’t receiving these, setting boundaries is both reasonable and holy. 

Often, abusive men will fight to protect their reputation or title, but not the heart of their wife. Husbands, if your wife found this article because she’s desperate for help—hear me—you are not a safe husband. 

Dear good wife, trying to salvage a bad marriage on your own: you can’t. You can’t grow and bloom in toxic soil. No matter how good a wife you are, a destructive husband will crush the goodness you bring. 

Righteous Anger Is Allowed

You are allowed to have anger—righteous anger. Scripture never condemns anger itself; it warns against sinning in anger (Ephesians 4:26). Righteous anger rises when God’s heart for justice and protection is reflected in ours.

Sharon Miller puts it beautifully:

“Want to know the secret to David’s restrained reactions to Saul? His unrestrained reactions to God in the Psalms. Because David processed the worst of his rage and despair and bitterness with God first, he didn’t unleash it on Saul, and defile himself in the process. The lesson? Process with God before people.”

Abuse sparks deep hurt and deep anger. Instead of stuffing it down (which leads to bitterness) or spilling it onto unsafe people (which leads to shame or more harm), bring it to God first. The Psalms show us permission to cry, lament, rage, and plead with God—then leave room for Him to guide our next step.

The Hard Truth: You Can’t Change Them 

This might be the hardest sentence you’ll read: You cannot change an abuser. Not by loving harder. Not by praying more. Not by minimizing your needs. Their behavior is about control, not misunderstanding. 

The hope you cling to—that the nice version is the real one—keeps you stuck. The truth is, the nice version is part of the abuse cycle. Real safety doesn’t come from their next apology; it comes from clarity, support, and boundaries rooted in truth. 

Your Next Step 
If this post resonates with you, pause and pray for wisdom. Reach out to someone safe. Write down what’s happening. Call a hotline. God’s heart is for your good, not your destruction.