To Live But Not Exist: When a Relationship Destroys Your Sense of Self
You can be alive and still feel invisible. You can share a bed, a home, and a last name and still feel like nothing more than a prop in someone else’s performance.
If that resonates, you may be in a destructive marriage. And you are not alone.
For years, I couldn’t quite name what was happening. I felt emotionally erased, spoken over, blamed, controlled, and constantly criticized. It was like I had been demoted to a supporting role in my own life. I wasn’t allowed to have needs, opinions, or boundaries. And when I did express them, the reaction was swift: anger, manipulation, emotional withdrawal, or worse—gaslighting and shaming.
What I was experiencing had a name. And naming it helped me begin to heal.
Understanding the Destruction
Some marriages aren’t just difficult, they’re destructive. If you live with someone who lacks empathy, disregards boundaries, twists conversations, and sees you as an extension of themselves instead of a partner, you may be dealing with someone who has a personality disorder.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a serious and enduring mental health condition. It’s not just selfishness or pride. It’s a pattern of grandiosity, entitlement, manipulation, and lack of empathy that deeply damages those closest to them. While only about 1% of the population has NPD, narcissistic traits are far more common, especially in a culture that celebrates self-importance over humility.
If your spouse routinely…
- Ignores your needs or feelings (lack of empathy)
- Controls your money, time, or appearance
- Blames you for their outbursts or poor choices
- Exhibits a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (daydreams about their current and future greatness and success)
- Has a deep need for admiration that is never satisfied
- Acts one way in public and another in private
…you may be in a relationship with someone on the narcissistic spectrum. - Enjoys getting reactions out of you and feeds off of them, negative or positive
And if they meet criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder (sometimes called sociopathy), the emotional and psychological harm often runs even deeper.
The Danger of Undiagnosed Abuse
Some people live like actors on stage. They are polished, persuasive, and performative, especially in public. They’re admired by coworkers, respected at church, and praised in the community. But behind closed doors, you’re walking on eggshells, isolated from friends, and questioning your reality. All while feeling like you’re caring for a young child who can barely function on their own in the home.
That’s not marriage. That’s captivity.
What’s more disorienting? These individuals may even believe their own distortions. Some genuinely think they’re the victim. Others flip the script entirely, accusing you of being abusive when you set simple, reasonable boundaries.
You’re not imagining things. And you’re not being too sensitive. You’re surviving something toxic.
What Scripture Says About Wisdom and Boundaries
God never called us to submit to abuse or erase ourselves in the name of love. In fact, Scripture gives us clear guidance about relationships that destroy peace and distort truth:
- “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered.”
– Proverbs 22:24 (NIV) - “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”
– Proverbs 13:20 (NIV) - “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
– Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
Setting boundaries isn’t rebellion, it’s obedience to God’s instruction to protect the life He entrusted to you.
You Are Not a Prop. You Are a Person.
In some abusive relationships, you’re treated like an object, something to be managed, controlled, or silenced. One of the most vivid illustrations I’ve found is the Elf on the Shelf. It’s positioned. Moved. Silently posed to perform or amuse. Never speaks. Never moves without permission.
Some women live like that every day, except they’re not make-believe. They are living, breathing image-bearers of God, forced to shrink into silence to preserve a fragile ego that explodes when challenged.
That is not what God designed marriage to be.
If You Are in Danger or Deep Confusion
You are not crazy. In fact, your insight might be precisely what the enemy is trying to shut down.
If you suspect you are in an emotionally or psychologically abusive relationship, please seek support. Document what’s happening. Confide in a trauma-informed counselor. Make safety plans if needed. You can begin reclaiming your voice, your value, and your vision.
A Final Word
You are not too broken to be healed. You are not too far gone to be found. You are not too lost to be led.
Jesus didn’t come to make women invisible. He came to make them whole, to set them free, and to restore their voice to them.
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
—Psalm 23:3
Carolyn Deevers 