Pharisaical Hearts, and the Holy Cover-Up Crew

Church hurt hits differently. It’s not just disappointment—it’s disillusionment wrapped in Scripture and handed to you with a smile. You show up seeking Jesus and leave wondering if you’ve stumbled into an episode of House of Cards: Church Edition. You expected fellowship, not damage control. Shepherds, not spin doctors.  

You love the sheep who love Jesus and serve in His name. But some shepherds? They aren’t honest. Some aren’t even sheep. They’re wolves with good teeth and better theology.  

I see the headlines. I’ve lived the stories. I’ve sat under leadership that looked holy on Sunday and acted hellish by Monday. I even lived with a wolf in sheep’s clothing. His costume was finally ripped off, and he was sent to prison.  

Women I minister to have confided in me about stories of control, abuse, and sometimes crimes. And these stories aren’t whispered about strangers on the street. They happened inside the homes of pastors and elders.  

Sadly, the most toxic church cultures rarely hang a sign on the door. They don’t look dysfunctional at first glance. They camouflage as “thriving.” But by the time you realize you’re in one, you’re tangled in unspoken rules, power plays, and a whole lot of spiritual gaslighting.  

So here’s a list of red flags in toxic church environments, not exhaustive, but hard-earned over my decades of church attendance. If more than a few of these resonate, it may not be a “you” problem. It might be time to evaluate the system you’re standing in. 

Red Flags in Unhealthy Church Environments  

• Voicing concern for church members experiencing trauma or abuse is labeled as “being divisive” or “trying to make a name for yourself.” 

• The church claims autonomy of local churches when a known pastor who is a sexual predator moves to another congregation. 

• A staff member is preoccupied with self-importance, fantasies of success, power, and excessive church growth. 

• When leaders believe they are unique or superior to others, the rules don’t apply to them. 

• Leadership and staff are consistently unavailable to shepherd the flock due to “business matters” taking precedence. 

• Staff members ignore greetings or avoid eye contact when passing congregants in the hallway. 

• On Sunday mornings, staff remain largely unapproachable in private offices, rather than among the people. 

• A requirement for staff, volunteers, or members to sign non-disclosure agreements discourages transparency. 

• The pastor publicly addresses and rebukes individuals during sermons without going to them and checking facts privately. The pulpit becomes a weapon rather than a place of shepherding. 

• When wise, spiritually mature people raise concerns, the staff dismisses, deflects, or blames others instead of listening with humility and curiosity. A healthy leader will seek understanding and prayer, not shut down. 

• People who leave the church are often publicly criticized or gossiped about, labeled as rebellious or sinful—even when they’ve prayerfully and obediently followed God’s leading to step away. 

• Preaching that social media is worldly or sinful, while staff, their spouses, and even the church actively use it to promote events and build platforms. 

• Wealthy, successful, or highly educated members receive greater access and favor from leadership. 

• Elders are hand-picked by the pastor based on loyalty rather than spiritual discernment or congregational input. (Cultish vibes) 

• Congregants are discouraged from reading or learning from outside Christian authors, teachers, or scholars. Instead, they are told to learn from the staff and elders in their church. (Cultish vibes) 

• Church bylaws are revised to give elders or leadership faster and tighter control over members, limiting member involvement. 

• When a leader makes their achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. 

• The church teaches a sermon series on “church hurt” that defines which kinds of pain are valid while ignoring or minimizing their contributions to the harm. 

• Sermons and ministries consistently overlook the needs of the hurting, abused, or struggling, and instead cater to a favored group of insiders. 

• Financial transparency is lacking. Large budget items are hidden under vague categories like “miscellaneous” to avoid accountability. 

• Allegations of sexual abuse or misconduct are kept from the congregation or handled quietly without disclosure. 

• When an attendee is pressured into handling a delicate situation that leaders want to avoid handling for appearance’s sake. 

• When a male-led church asks a woman to handle a difficult situation they want to avoid—fearing backlash, division, or staff fallout, and then scapegoats her as “divisive” or “attention-seeking” while denying they ever put her there in the first place. 

• When a leader expects special favors and expects other people to do what they want without questioning them. 

• When sin or criminal activity is occurring in a leader’s home, the church refuses to reevaluate the person’s qualifications for leadership. 

• When a member follows biblical principles to address sin one-on-one, but staff add man-made rules, assert authority, and shift the blame onto the person raising the concern. 

• The church claims to be theologically superior to every other church in the area, fostering spiritual elitism.

• Problems within the church are reframed or spun to protect leadership, while those who attempt to speak truth are silenced or shamed. (Cultish vibes) 

• The pastor demonstrates a clear need for control, often exalting self over servant leadership.

• Doctrinal “gray areas” are handled with rigid legalism or permissive liberalism, leaving no room for thoughtful dialogue. If you don’t align precisely with leadership views, your faith is questioned. 

• Women are routinely treated as less capable, weaker, and less worthy than men. Scripture is misused to justify it. This does not reflect the heart of Jesus or His ministry. 

• Ministry opportunities are often based on politics, popularity, or hidden alliances rather than gifts, calling, or fruit. 

• When committee decisions are made before meetings occur, members are expected to rubber-stamp what leadership has already decided. This manipulates the trust of image-bearers and bears false witness to the congregation. 

• When staff, who are mandatory reporters, don’t report crimes to the authorities. This is grounds for legal charges against them and should be grounds for dismissal by the local congregation. (It isn’t acceptable for staff to say, “They told me as a friend”). No, they told you as a trusted safe person with the maturity and authority to help them. 

• Public sermons and teachings don’t align with what goes on privately in leaders’ homes. (Many women in difficult marriages and parenting situations have shared firsthand accounts with me as part of my ministry.) 

• A ministry led by someone who is harsh in private but puts on a humble appearance in public. 

• When a congregant brings a private sin or offense committed against them to leadership and then is laughed at or told it “Doesn’t count” without a witness, it signals a breakdown in both compassion and biblical process. 

• When leaders or attendees show up in court to support a predator on trial. 

• When leaders allow a convicted sex offender to participate in person in corporate worship. 

• Removal of members from the congregation without warning. For instance, kicking the husband out, leaving the wife in the dark. 

• When the pastor or his wife talks disrespectfully to each other. 

• Leaders appoint someone to oversee a ministry or mission trip, but when that person raises a concern or brings a witness about the issue, they are dismissed or disbelieved. 

• Congregational meetings focus heavily on honoring, applauding, and trusting leadership, often to the exclusion of acknowledging the people who serve sacrificially and give faithfully. The Church is Christ’s, not a leadership fan club. (Cultish vibes) 

• Unhealthy church leadership sees themselves as being “over” other believers instead of serving other believers. (Cultish vibes) 

• If you don’t see staff and leaders serving the sheep, it’s an unhealthy dynamic. 

• There is an “us vs. them” culture between leadership and members, rather than a shared identity as the unified body of Christ. (Cultish vibes) 

• Members who don’t fit the mold are treated as spiritually inferior, forgetting that every part of the body is necessary to build God’s kingdom. 

• Serving “the least of these” in the name of Jesus is framed as political “social justice” rather than a direct command from the Lord. 

• Women do most of the service, being the hands and feet of Jesus, while the men hold business meetings. 

• If your church has a constant revolving door, new people in, long-timers out, it may be a sign that something beneath the surface is broken. 

• You notice pastors or teachers plagiarizing material without crediting the original author. 

• Leadership says to avoid talking to people deemed problematic, or you could be called to a meeting to address your disobedience. 

• When the church doesn’t teach or preach the biblical word of God. Instead, teachings are focused on self-help, are ‘me’-centered, or do not align with the word of God. 

• When a staff member, a leader, or a teacher twists Bible verses to fit their opinion, or to control you. 

• When leaders feel they have a say in every aspect of your life, including decisions not connected to the church. 

• When leaders insist on seeing your finances and how much you give to the church. 

• When leadership receives a directive, but they ignore it or go against it. 

• When churches add mandatory ministry or attendance requirements that have no scriptural basis. 

• When a pastor declares from the pulpit, “You are not a Christian if you ______,” but that claim isn’t supported by the Word. 

Let’s not forget Acts 17:11–12: “Now the Bereans were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true. As a result, many of them believed…”

Discernment isn’t disloyalty. It’s wisdom. And it just might be what saves us from spiritual abuse disguised as “discipleship.”

📍 Stay tuned for Recognizing Red Flags in Toxic Church Environments (Part 2): Jesus Didn’t Stay Silent

Scroll down to reply and share with readers: What red flags have you seen? Have you experienced a moment of church hurt that still lingers in your heart or health?

Read Part 2 here…