Abuse Knows No Boundaries  

Abuse isn’t just bruises and broken bones. It’s the slow unraveling of your self-worth, the suffocating grip of control, and the lingering confusion that keeps you second-guessing reality. It can happen to anyone, anywhere—even in Christian marriages.  

Statistics are sobering: Even though the church likes to ignore, deny, and pretend this isn’t happening in their houses of worship, statistics don’t lie. 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime, and more than 3 million children will witness domestic violence in their homes each year. (Men can also be victims of abuse, but my ministry is mainly to women, so I address my readers from this viewpoint.)  

Trauma Bonding—When Love Feels Like Chains  

You prayed. You trusted. You believed.  

He pursued you with tenderness, affection, affirmation, and attention. Maybe he gave thoughtful gifts, held your hand in prayer, or shared heartfelt discussions about faith, life, and the future.  

Then you married him.  

And little by little (but usually quickly), the mask fell away.  

The warmth and charm that once made you feel special turned into cold detachment, rigid control, or smoldering anger. The man who once whispered words of devotion now punishes you with silence, passive aggression, or blatant cruelty. Some men put on a good act to avoid getting kicked out of the house, having divorce papers served, or reported for criminal behavior, but this is rare.  

Whatever the case, the lies began, and now that you realize his deceitfulness, you find more comments and excuses that don’t add up.   

Some women begin noticing red flags that their husband is gay, yet they can’t find the courage to say anything about it.  

There is also straightforward abuse: physical, sexual, verbal/emotional, psychological, financial, stalking, isolation, digital/technological, GPS, and coercive.  

His affection became unpredictable—crumbs tossed your way when it suited him. His approval, a moving target you could never quite hit. He withholds love, attention, affirmation, and even basic kindness, leaving you constantly wondering how he feels about you:  

What did I do wrong?  

Why am I never enough for him?  

If I just try harder, will he love me again?  

But the truth is you are not the problem.  

You are not crazy for missing him. You are not weak for longing for his approval. You are not foolish for struggling to leave.  

You may be experiencing trauma bonding.  

What Is Trauma Bonding?  

Also known as Stockholm syndrome, trauma bonding occurs when an abuser alternates between cruelty and kindness, creating a powerful psychological attachment in the victim. It thrives on power imbalances, unpredictability, and manipulation.  

Licensed clinical social worker Bree Bonchay describes it this way:  

“Trauma bonding occurs in abusive relationships characterized by an imbalance of power, high intensity, and an unpredictable atmosphere, rapidly shifting between periods of cruelty and tenderness. Traumatic bonds can form very quickly and last long past when the relationship is severed.”  

Trauma bonding is why so many women struggle to leave abusive relationships—even when they recognize the abuse.  

Because he isn’t awful 100% of the time.  

Because sometimes, he’s funny and charming.  

Because somewhere deep down, you still see the man you fell in love with.  

And that is what makes breaking free so incredibly hard.  

Signs/Red Flags of Trauma Bonding  

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking or saying things like this, you are not alone:  

• “I know what he’s done to me, but I still have feelings for him.”  

• “Why do I still love him?”  

• “Why do I long to be intimate with someone who hurts me?”  

• “Every time he flashes a smile my way, I cave—even though I know he doesn’t mean it.”  

• “I wonder if I made it up or overreacted.”  

• “I can’t reconcile how normal he looks with how abusive he is.”  

• “He explains away all the problems. I need to believe him.”  

• “He apologizes for the abuse, and I know he won’t do it again; if he does, I must deserve it.”  

• “Even after he cheated, I still feel jealous and heartbroken that he left me.”  

• “I’ve forgiven him, or have at least become numb to the feelings of abuse.”  

This is not weakness. This is what happens when someone has spent months or years conditioning you to seek their approval while making you feel responsible for their behavior.  

Emotional Abuse Cuts Deeper Than Physical Abuse  

Women who have suffered both physical and emotional abuse often say the same thing:  

The bruises heal. The psychological wounds last much longer.  

Physical abuse is instantly recognizable—it shocks the body and the mind. But emotional abuse creeps in slowly, wearing down your self-esteem, identity, and judgment until you no longer trust your own thoughts.  

By the time you realize what’s happening, the damage has already been done.  

You Are Not Alone. You Are Not Crazy. You Are Not Powerless.  

Here is what a woman is responsible for:  

1. Not taking the bait.  

2. Learning why we took the bait, if we did.  

3. Ask the Lord to fix and strengthen our weak spots so we will NOT continue to live as a victim.  

We will grow stronger, wiser, and healthier when we take responsibility for ourselves.  

Staying with an unfaithful sex addict:  

If a woman chooses to stay with a sex-addicted husband who is cheating, protecting herself—emotionally, physically, and financially—is crucial. First, she should establish firm personal boundaries, making it clear what behaviors she will and will not tolerate while ensuring she has a support system in place, whether through therapy, trusted friends, or support groups like COSA (for partners of sex addicts). Second, she must prioritize her health by getting tested regularly for STDs and insisting on protection during intimacy, as repeated infidelity puts her at significant risk. Lastly, she should safeguard her financial stability by maintaining her own bank account, keeping track of assets, and consulting a lawyer if necessary to understand her rights—sex addiction often leads to reckless spending or financial betrayal. Staying is her choice, but staying protected is her right.  

Staying with an unfaithful husband attracted to men:  

If a woman chooses to stay with a husband who is attracted to men and cheating, she must take deliberate steps to protect herself on multiple levels. First, safeguarding her health is paramount—regular STD testing and insisting on protection during intimacy are critical, as men who cheat with other men may engage in high-risk behaviors. Better yet, abstain from sex. Second, she should establish emotional boundaries and seek support from a therapist or a group that understands the complexities of mixed-orientation marriages, as feelings of betrayal, insecurity, and loneliness can be overwhelming. Finally, financial security is essential—she should ensure she has independent access to money, review joint finances for any secret spending, and, if necessary, consult a lawyer to understand her rights. While staying is a personal choice, protecting herself ensures she does not lose her well-being in the process.  

Staying with a husband attracted to children or teens:  

If a woman knows or suspects that her husband is attracted to children or teens, she must take immediate and decisive action to protect potential victims and uphold the law. First, if she suspects but is unsure, she should document any concerning behavior, monitor his actions, and seek guidance from a professional, such as a therapist trained in abuse prevention or a legal expert. Second, suppose she knows he is acting on his attraction and abusing. In that case, she has a moral and legal duty to report him to law enforcement or child protective services immediately—protecting children is non-negotiable. Failure to report could make her legally complicit. Finally, she must prioritize her own safety, as confronting a predator can be dangerous; seeking support from domestic violence advocates, legal professionals, and a safe place to stay is crucial. Staying silent is never an option—children’s lives and futures depend on her courage to act.  

5 Red Flags When a Sex Addict Husband Travels for Business 

If a husband struggles with sex addiction and is attracted to men, women, and underage victims, his time away on business—alone in a private hotel room with free time—should raise serious concerns for his wife. First, sex addiction thrives in secrecy, and being out of town removes the usual accountability, making it easier for him to act on compulsions. Second, travel often provides access to anonymous encounters, whether through dating apps, escorts, or illicit online activities. Third, if he has a history of predatory behavior or boundary violations, the absence of immediate supervision increases the risk of further exploitation. Fourth, hotel stays eliminate the risk of getting caught by family or local acquaintances, making acting out more tempting. Fifth, his willingness to take business trips despite past issues may indicate a lack of true commitment to recovery, suggesting he values opportunities for secret behavior over rebuilding trust. A wife in this situation should trust her instincts, set clear boundaries, and consider seeking professional support to protect herself and any potential victims. 

Resources for Trauma Bonding and Difficult Relationships:  

If you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, help is available.  

For Christ-centered help, two incredible resources are:  

• Leslie Vernick – Helping women gain safety, sanity, and strength. Her website provides biblically-based resources and virtual coaching for women in unhealthy and destructive marriages.  

• Dr. Diane Langberg – A psychologist and international speaker who has spent decades working with trauma survivors, caregivers, and clergy.   

• “Work in the trenches; serve the afflicted and needy; do the little by little redemptive work. But also lift up your hearts and see the world. And as you look, you who understand the soul damage of trauma and abuse—speak to the church and call her to loving action around this globe.” ~Dr. Diane Langberg  
• Sheila Wray Gregoire hosts the Bare Marriage podcast, where they strip away all the pat answers and the Christian-ese and get back to healthy, biblical, evidence-based advice for your marriage and your sex life. And they have a lot of fun while they do it. (I, Carolyn, highly recommend their book She Deserves Better for your daughters and your sons too, so they know what a healthy relationship does and doesn’t look like).

You are not imagining things. You are not overreacting. You deserve to be safe, valued, and free.  

And most of all, you are loved by a God who does not want you to stay in harm’s way.