A Gone Wrong Relationship: To Do or Not To Do
Please understand I am simply passing on lessons I learned and they are examples of experiences I rarely understood the first time. Sometimes I process slowly. I do not like to disappoint people or offend anyone so this attributed to failure of setting healthy boundaries; however, I had motivation, determination and resolve to seek the Lord.
God never leaves me behind in my messiness or failings when I cry out to Him; acknowledge Him, admit my mistakes and ask Him for help.
Below are a few ramblings of what being a peacemaker or negotiator/problem solver does and does not mean.
It does not necessitate keeping a person you find difficult happy so their bad attitude is not found out by others; or so it does not spill out on someone else. You are not responsible for their attitude; positive or negative.
Do not make excuses for them; this includes excuses to your children or your extended family. You do not need to draw attention to the poor behavior but you do not try to explain in away either. It is what it is. As many psychologists have recommended: “Do not sit in your living room staring at a big pink elephant while pretending it isn’t there.” Nor do you want your children to learn by example and believe the dysfunctional attitude is pleasing to God or worthy of replicating. In healthy relationships with normal disagreements or arguments you always shield the children. This can prove impossible in a toxic relationship.
Do not cover for their irresponsibility; emotionally, relationally or financially. Allow them to face the consequences of poor planning, deceit or overspending.
For the lonely of heart who feel abandoned, frightened or craving intimacy while in a marriage covenant; you must spend time reading the Bible and praying it back to God conversationally. Only God can apply a healing balm to your heart and mind.
In normal marriages you never talk about marital problems to friends or family but in a toxic relationship you may need one confidant or a close-knit network to pray for you, encourage you and care for you. Pray about this and ask God if He has such a person, or persons, for you. Do not compromise your values and belief system in who you seek for friends. You do not need to add any other difficult dimension to your life. You need godly friendships with people of the same sex. Finding friendship in the opposite sex is a recipe for rumors, temptation and additional problems.
“Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.” Psalm 37:3(AMP) “We live by faith, not by sight.” II Corinthians 5:7 (NIV) “We walk by faith, not by sight.” (KJV)
Most importantly: Love. This is a tall order for someone in a one-sided love relationship. You want what you cannot have because the other person does not allow access. This may be due to unresolved past emotional wounds, infidelity, addiction to pornography or other reasons. If you were recruited (see earlier posts about Narcissistic Personality Disorder) into this relationship you now realize the bond was based on a ‘Once Upon a Time’ false reality. Whatever the reason; your heart must feel like it cannot endure much more. Love may be a feeling so far removed you can’t remember when it stopped being a feeling. That is okay. Love is not meant to always be a feeling, in fact, it is more often an action.
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” John 15:9 (NIV)
Love them for Christ; here and now with what you have and what you have not. This kind of love is called, agape, and part of agape is action. Agape is the type of love revealed in Jesus, seen as spiritual and selfless and a model for humanity; not sexual in its nature. To agape means agreeing with God about the person you find difficult. God loves that person so you sacrifice your self-will for God’s will. Love. God called us to agape our enemies, Luke 6:27 so you can be sure He has called you to love the person you find difficult. Since God is love, it is His very essence; we can be certain He wants us to love.
“One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, ‘Of all the commandments, which is the most important?’ ‘The most important one,’ answered Jesus,’“is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.’ Mark 12:28-31(NIV)
A few examples of practical application:
When treated with contempt, hatred, anger or deceit; you may state, “I will not allow myself to be treated this way” with firmness but not anger.
When you are being told how you should think about a subject; don’t argue. Simply state, “That is your opinion.”
When the same conversation is brought up again because they want you to change your mind, remind them, “I am not discussing this.”
Always be kind and always say, “I love you” even if they won’t. Put on self-control in a confrontation, and do not repay insult with unkind words or accusations. Remember: Asking questions, reminding them of an answer already given or stating your opinion is not wrong even if they treat you as if you are sinning by doing so.
When you mess up, admit it, ask for forgiveness from the person and from God and think of how you can better handle the same situation next time; because most likely there will be a next time. (It is likely you might be the example setter for apologizing because the person you are having difficulties with may not have, “I’m sorry,” in their vocabulary.)
Loving with an action that is beyond your comprehension may seem undo-able to you. You are not alone. Seek God and ask Him what His heart and will is for you in this situation. “…to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:18-19 (NIV)